We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
