Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
two words...techno handjob
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
