You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
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If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's blow job season.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
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Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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