I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
