I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
