those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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