yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
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We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
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I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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