if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
