hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
