i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
