theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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