So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
