Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
