And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
