booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i dont even know how to be here
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
