so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
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