I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
