guys are not supposed to queef...right?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
