My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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