we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
