I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
