hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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