He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
