Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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