I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
