I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
