Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
We need to rekindle our bromance
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
