He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
