My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She's the barista slut.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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