the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
