Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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