I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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