I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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