Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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