My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
