Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
me + whiskey = a bad person
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
