3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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