So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
They took my balls.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
