Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
