Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
