I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
