The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
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She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
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I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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