So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize
