im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Your penis caused this!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
