This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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