I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
