I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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