too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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