also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
