My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
