They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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