I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
