Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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