I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
