everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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