I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
