dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
